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Keep it real: Being true to yourself is good for your relationships.
RODALE NEWS, EMMAUS, PA—Shakespeare usually gets it right. His famous advice in Hamlet, “to thine own self be true,” continues to pay dividends to this day, suggests a recent study on relationships. Subjects who reported being more true to themselves also tended to be involved in healthier, more positive relationships.
THE DETAILS: Participating in the study were 62 college-age couples, each of whom completed several detailed questionnaires about themselves and their relationships. Those who were most true to themselves on a consistent basis also tended to be in the healthiest, smoothest-functioning relationships, and reported a greater sense of well-being. Interestingly, when a man was true to himself, this tended to influence his partner to feel more positive about their relationship. But when a woman was true to herself, this didn’t seem to influence her partner's positive feelings about the relationship (though it had other benefits).
WHAT IT MEANS: If you can be true to yourself, both you and your partner will benefit. “For both men and women, being true to self led them to feel more positive about their own relationships,” explains study lead author Amy Brunell, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State University, Newark. “However, we found a man’s trueness to be associated with his partner’s relationship satisfaction, but not vice versa.”
That could be due to the different roles that men and women tend to take on in a relationship. “Women tend to be the ‘regulators’ or ‘keepers’ of intimacy in the partnership,” continues Brunell. “When women have partners who strive for openness and honesty, it makes their job of regulating intimacy easier. For example, it becomes easier for her to disclose things to a man who wants closeness." Men, famously, are less likely to disclose their thoughts and feelings, and having a partner who's true to herself may not be enough to move the needle.
But being true to one's self does seem to strengthen their relationship. So how do you know if you’re being true to yourself, and how can you improve if you’re not so good at it?
Read on to find out.
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Joney
On being yourself
Read the article - What to Do about Those Annoying Do-Gooders. Apparently "going out of your way to please someone" does not lead others to reciprocate - in fact they begin to resent this behavior. Being true to yourself does not necessarily make you narcisstic. It's easier for others to love you if you take care of your own personal happiness and live by your own values and ethics (rather than someone else's demands to kneel to THEIR values and ethics) Maybe you have yet to learn this lesson: You CAN'T make other people happy - they are in charge of making themselves happy. I spent years trying to make others happy (husband, Mom, MIL) and it NEVER WORKED! They will never be happy irregardless of what I do. But I can assure that I am happy and no one has to worry about "making" me happy - I've got that covered. It's not narcissism, it's called healthy boundaries and a lack of co-dependence.
This above all; to thine own self be true
In my fifteen year relationship with my former husband, I went along with his wishes far too often in spite of my own feelings, in the end making us both miserable. When I finally made the decision to be true to myself, in spite of him, it led to a painful breakup but a positive ultimate outcome for us both, and to this day we remain good friends.
Today I am in a much happier relationship, with a man who accepts me for myself as I accept him, and the freedom to simply be ourselves with one another is both incredibly meaningful and very hard to fully verbalize. The bottom line is that when you are being true to yourself, you are by default being true to everyone around you as well, which leads to richer communication and far greater trust.
And being truthful does not mean that we must throw kindness to the wind - it is not difficult to be truthful and yet conscious of how our words affect others. I know my friends appreciate my honesty, as I in turn appreciate theirs, and we are able to discuss our opinions openly without any worries about bruised feelings, because we are all kind to one another as well as truthful.
On being yourself
So what if your true self is a narcissistic jerk? I think too many people today say, "This is who I am, like it or lump it," and never strive to be a better person, someone of character and good ethics. If you always put your own personal happiness ahead of everyone else's, you're going to be one very lonely person. There's nothing wrong with going out of your way to please someone else, as long as doing so means doing something kind, thoughtful, and ethical. In fact, do it often enough and people will naturally start to reciprocate. Unless, of course, you've surrounded yourself with others who are narcissictic jerks who are only trying to be true to their own hedonistic self.
Honesty in all relationships.
--Sadly, honesty seems to be a difficult idea to deal with,towards the individual and the relationship partner. People have become extremely narcissistic, instead of growing and being true to themselves in a healthy manner, so the honesty is not there to share with the partners. Life has become too complicated and unrealistic, basing itself on outside influences and envy, instead of allowing people to search for deeper meaning,...the "K I S S" method of living and relating would do all of us a lot more good,..."Keep it simply, stupid!"