Couples who fight fairly don't let disagreements divide them.

RODALE NEWS, LENOX, MA—Do you and your partner fight fair?

If you do, you have a powerful tool for keeping your relationship healthy. If you don’t, you can learn. Of all the key relationship skills, the ability to resolve conflicts with empathy and compassion—to fight fairly—may be the most important for staying happily married. It will also help you in relationships with close friends and family.

Fighting fairly is not always easy, nor comfortable, but it is vital if you want a successful intimate relationship. Avoiding all conflict in marriage is an unrealistic goal, and if you're not prepared for conflict to arise, there's a much greater chance that it will be damaging when it occurs.

THE DETAILS: Every couple has disagreements. If you think independently, and are honest with each other, you disagree at times. Wise couples know how to discuss their disagreements constructively. They have the tools to speak and listen compassionately to each other. One of the most important of those tools is empathic, deep listening, which we explored last week. Empathic listening can decrease the tension and hostility, and create a spirit of mutual respect and exploration.

Sadly, the heat of conflict is when it is hardest to listen. Emotions take over. We feel angry, hurt, frustrated, invalidated. Tempers flare, hearts beat faster, voices rise. When emotions run high, “reactors” attack and “retreaters” withdraw. If you attack, your partner likely will become defensive or counterattack. If you shut down emotionally and withdraw, your partner feels abandoned and resentful, and you both feel alone. The challenge is to manage your emotions, keep your heart open, and have a respectful dialogue with your partner.

Consider this scenario. Angela and Tim love each other, but they have trouble with conflict. On the way home from dinner, Angela turned to Tim: “How could you insult me like that in front of our friends?”

“Insult you? What are you talking about?" said Tim, raising his voice.

“All through dinner all you did was talk about the diet I’m on. You wouldn’t stop.”

“So what? You always talk about your diet. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“You didn’t think I‘d mind? You’re clueless, Tim!”

“And you’re way too sensitive!”

The conversation ended there. The stony silence followed them to bed, where they each slept fitfully that night.