The next time you argue, take note of the words you use and then focus on other ways to improve communication.

Not getting along? A few small words may help.

RODALE NEWS, EMMAUS, PA—If you find yourself mired in a troubled relationship, you might want to examine your pronoun use, suggests a new study published in the journal Psychology and Aging. The study authors found that long-married couples who were more apt to use terms like "we" and "ours" while resolving conflicts were more likely to get results, while remaining calmer and happier, than other couples who used "I" and "you." "Pronouns can seem innocuous," says lead study author Benjamin Seider, a graduate student in clinical sciences at the University of California–Berkeley. "It's interesting that these everyday words can reflect relationship satisfaction and emotional equality."

THE DETAILS: This research was part of a long-term study on marriage and involved 154 couples in either middle age (40 to 50 years old) or older adulthood (60 to 70 years), all of whom were in their first marriages. The experiment involved three 15-minute conversations, two of which focused on events of the day and a pleasant topic and were intended to give the researchers a sense of how the couple interacted under nonstressful conditions. The third was a "conflict conversation," involving a topic of interest to each couple, chosen based on the partners' answers to a questionnaire. During each conversation, the couple's heart rates and other physiological responses to anger and distress were observed using monitors, and their emotions were monitored using video cameras. Additionally, the researchers took note of each time a pronoun was used—"I," "you," "we," "our," and so forth—and coded it based on its context.

Focusing specifically on the conflict conversation, the researchers found that couples who used "we" words were calmer (they were less likely to have increased heart rates or show other signs of physiological distress) and showed more positive emotional responses (for instance, humor, interest, and affection) than couples who used more individual pronouns, such as "I," "me" and "you." And, although "we" wasn't always associated with greater marital satisfaction, couples who used a lot of "I" words were very likely to rate their marriages as less than satisfactory.

WHAT IT MEANS: The kind of language a couple uses can reflect the partners' satisfaction with the relationship—but language choices, like pronoun use, can also affect the relationship. Dealing with conflict in your marriage, or in any other relationships, for that matter, is generally easier if you approach it from a team, "we" mentality than from the separating, individualistic "I" angle. "Use of separate-ness words often creates an adversarial dynamic between couples," says Seider. He says that it's indicative of a "demand-withdrawal" pattern common in conflicts and struggling marriages. Here's how the pattern works: "When one person says 'you' during a conflict, it suggests they're registering a desire for change, a frustration, or a complaint, like 'You don't take out the garbage,'" he says. That makes the person on the receiving end retreat and become defensive, à la, "I do it all the time!" "Whoever's demanding change, their partner is more likely to get defensive and withdraw." But in healthy conflict resolution, terms like "we" and "us" help couples remember that they're on the same team, Seider says: "Whatever is happening, it happens to 'us,' not because 'you' don't do what 'I' need you to do." The partners' goal is to align themselves with each other, instead of competing to see who gets what they want. "If one person gets their way, but their partner is dissatisfied, it's not going to lead to a happy relationship," Seider says.

Read on for more tips on improving communication.